1. LOSE CONTROL OF ALL BODILY FUNCTION
Here is something you can certainly do anytime before you die. My friend Harold shat his pants in the car on the way to Whitecastle just for the hell of it. But did you know that when you die, you lose all control of bodily functions and pee/poop your pants? It’s true! If you want to cheat death, you could even strain yourself a little moments before your death just to spite the reaper.
2. HAVE YOUR LAST RITES PERFORMED
Even if you’re an atheist, Scientologist, Jehovah’s Witness or other assorted heathen, you might want to be on the safe side just in case god is a stickler for detail. Or, tying back into number one, you could spite not only the reaper but the priest’s olfactory senses by pooping your pants while he’s babbling on about your salvation.
3. HAVE A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE
You’re going to be near death anyway, so why the hell not? Lots of people see loved ones at the end of a tunnel, others see demons poking them with pitchforks. Others even see their own body as they hover above the doctor’s office. Whatever the case, sounds like something to do before you croak!
4. HAVE A SEXUAL LIASON WITH ONE OF THE NURSES (IF SHE’S HOT)
There are lots of good-looking nurses…it’s not just a stereotype. Hell, there’s good looking people in any profession! If the nurse caring for you on your deathbed is giving you the suck eye, it can’t hurt to ask if she wants a roll in the hay. What have you got to lose? Your reputation isn’t going to matter once you’re gone and you’re going to look stupid as a corpse anyhow!
5. WATCH TV OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES
I do this every day anyway. Why not spend your last moments catching up on the latest Broad City or finally beating Sigma in Megaman X? Relax and take your time dying doing something you like. It’s better than worrying about stupid stuff like going to heaven or hell!